Our monthly advice column tackles all your destination wedding quandaries (and confusions) with intel straight from industry experts.
The last time I went to a destination wedding, I sent the bride and groom $50 via Venmo and a message that said “Happy wedding!!!” I belatedly wondered if I was being cheap—or worse still, a bad friend—but the couple insisted that we, their friends, didn’t have to spend extra money on them. The registry was just a formality, insisted upon by their parents, and travel to the venue was enough of a cost. Our presence was the gift, they said, as we rocked out to Beyoncé on the dance floor, and I believed them.
That said, there are couples who do see the need for gifts, viewing them as an inextricable part of the wedding tradition. Others even evaluate the worth of their friendships based on the quality of the presents they get. (If they do this, they are not your friend!) But at the same time, buying something off a registry could also be a way for guests to send their love, especially when they can’t attend.
Matters are complicated when it’s a destination wedding. As a guest, you have to take time off from work; get to the venue; pay for lodging; and find childcare, if you need it. You’re already spending so much before you even get to celebrate with the happy couple, which begs the question: Are gifts really necessary when it’s a destination wedding? And if so, how much should guests spend? I spoke to married folks, wedding guests, event planners, and etiquette experts to find out.
Gifts aren’t necessary, but they’re the icing on the cake
Historically, guests send off the newlyweds into married life with gifts of household items (hence, the wedding registry). But these days, that’s not always necessary. “At a time when many couples have already established a home together prior to getting married, the need to register for every new appliance or home addition has gone away,” says Lindsey Shaktman, a destination event planner at Mavinhouse Events.
Still, gift-giving can often be a way for guests to participate in the special occasion or to express their care for the couple, says Cristina Verger, a wedding and event planner in New York City. There’s something special about seeing an object in your home, years after your special day, and remembering the gift-giver who presented you a souvenir of their affection. After all, some people’s love language is gift-giving.
Be honest about what kind of gifts you can give
For a destination wedding in California that Jenna Amatulli, an editor at The Guardian US, attended as a guest, the couple elected to have a gift registry. It was “a light registry,” she says, which placed an emphasis on experiential gifts rather than material goods. Still, Amatulli gave the couple a formal wedding gift because “I’m good friends with them and wanted to gift them something substantial.”
Regardless of love language, however, Amatulli suggests that all wedding guests be honest with themselves and have their own personal rules around gift-giving: “My rule of thumb on traveling for a wedding and deciding whether to give a gift is how close I am to the couple, how much I spent traveling there, and how much I’ve spent on other functions for this couple.”
If you decide to welcome gifts, let guests set their own price limits
Don’t worry about setting a strict price limit for gifts at your destination wedding—or any wedding, really. To set a limit means making a number of assumptions about your guests that may or may not be accurate. “Besides, how are you gonna decide on a limit?” asks Verger. She asserts that guests should be the ones deciding how much they want to spend, when weighed up against the travel costs they incur to celebrate your big day with you.
One way around this is to offer the option to contribute cash to gift funds, Shaktman says: “Creating funds for larger registry items allows guests to contribute a monetary amount that they’re comfortable with. This way, couples can still receive a tangible gift while not overtly asking for what may feel like too much.”
Mekita Rivas, a contributing editor at Cosmopolitan, did exactly this at her wedding. Rivas married her husband in Paris, and they invited relatives from Mexico, the Philippines, and Jamaica. As part of their online gift registry, they accepted contributions to a travel fund that could subsidize costs of visiting their family members all over the world, and to a puppy fund to help them adopt a new member of their family. Their registry wasn’t huge because gifts weren’t a priority for them, Rivas says, but the cash funds were a helpful option for guests who wanted to give a gift when everything on the registry was already purchased.
To make it easy for guests, couples should consider having a strict no-gifts policy
Kate Rosow Chrisman, an American screenwriter living in Berlin, married her husband in Thailand. She and her husband didn’t expect gifts but some guests were still unsure what their policy was on wedding gifts. “I wish we had made an explicit ‘no gifts policy,’” she says. “I think that would have put our friends at ease that their gift was spending the time and money to join us in Thailand.” Similarly, Rivas says that, if she could have a do-over for her wedding, she would emphasize that, though she and her husband had a registry, gifts were not important to them.
On the guest’s side, it’s a real relief to be told exactly what to do. At another destination wedding that Amatulli attended, this time in the South of France, the couple emphasized to guests that their presence was a present unto itself—and so they insisted on no wedding gifts. Amatulli says, “The fact that they said that definitely made me feel more okay about not getting them a gift than I normally would have because I was raised to be a ‘pay for your plate’ type of gal.”
At the end of the day, the wedding itself is the gift—and so is the presence of the guests
Ultimately, a guest’s presence at a wedding—whether at a beach in Costa Rica or a castle in Scotland or a vineyard in Tuscany—should be considered the gift itself. Elaine Swann, an etiquette expert and the founder of The Swann School of Protocol, says, “Guests have made an investment in the travel, the attire, the accommodations, and all of the above to celebrate this monumental milestone in your life with you.”
For Rivas, the sense of togetherness on their wedding day was the true gift that she and her husband received from their loved ones. “As cheesy as it might sound,” Rivas says, “our family being there really was the gift.” Rosow Chrisman echoes the sentiment: “Ten years on, I don’t remember the gifts. I remember the laughter and fun I had with my friends and family at the wedding.”